by Leanna Stoufer, Legal Advocate with Project Safeguard
To learn more about Project Safeguards services, please visit their website.
TW: descriptions of violence
When David started arguing about dinner not being ready, and Mariann knew this was going to get bad…again…she remembered to start backing out of the kitchen, and into the living room. When David lunged at her, she was halfway into the living room, and could make a break for the front door. Mariann already had her phone, bank card, and keys in her pockets. She ran to the gas station two blocks away. From there, she called the police, then called her sister to come wait with her. She stayed next to the counter, so that if David followed her, everything would be caught on security video.
Each time Riley had put hands on Jordan, it had gotten worse. This time, as usual, Riley had gotten Jordan’s phone and smashed it so Jordan couldn’t call for help. However, Jordan had hidden an old phone and charger (one that wasn’t even connected to a cell service provider) in the bottom of their emergency bag. This time, when Jordan ran out the door there were options. As soon as Jordan got to the urgent care down the street, Jordan used the old phone to call 911.
Maria had a lot of physical, financial and language challenges that had made it hard to leave her husband, but she had done it. They had been divorced for two years, but Robert still caused problems almost every time they exchanged the children for visits. He would begin the harassment the day before, with constant awful messages. When they got to the exchange location (as specified by the court orders), Robert would explode. Sometimes it was verbal – screaming, cussing and name-calling, but twice he had pushed her hard enough to knock her over, and one time he grabbed her arm and slapped her. Both times, thankfully, their children had still been in the car, but the yelling and threats were still upsetting to them. Maria was already looking into legal action, changing the court orders to include supervised exchanges, and filing a protection order, but these steps would take some time. Working with her advocate, Maria came up with some solutions to use now. She made sure that she kept a text or audio record of Robert’s harassment leading up to the exchanges. She made plans with a couple of friends to have at least one person with her during the child exchanges, so any abuse could be documented, and there would be someone to call police if Robert’s violence escalated. She also made sure they parked on the busier side of the building where the exchanges were to take place. In addition, she began the emotional safety planning work of activities to reduce stress for her and the children, and finding counseling for all of them, so they could have more tools for their emotional as well as physical well-being.
The stories above are examples of safety planning to help people stay safer when they are having to deal with an abusive person. Having said this however, what exactly is a safety plan? The terms “safety plan” and “safety planning” get tossed around a lot by advocates, court personnel, protective services, and law enforcement too, but many people aren’t familiar with what these terms mean. One accepted definition of safety planning (from the National Domestic Violence Hotline) is this: “A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that can help you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to react when you are in danger. This plan includes ways to remain safe while in the relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave.” This tells us, in theory, what a safety plan is, but it doesn’t explain how safety planning works, or why it is important.
Safety planning is one of the most basic, accessible, empowering, and versatile tools that a victim of domestic violence, stalking and/or sex assault can have. Safety planning is all of these things because it allows the person experiencing the violence to use their knowledge of the abusive person, of their situation, and of their own strengths and challenges to create strategies that will really work for them.
There are many safety plans available online and through local community or systems-based domestic violence advocates. Every printed safety plan is just a starting point however. These safety plans can provide an excellent starting place for in-depth conversations about specific concerns, but the best safety planning comes from doing specific problem-solving, one-on-one, with an advocate or other service provider that understands the dynamics of relationship violence, sex assault, and stalking. Working with someone who understands these situations can help someone understand their options, get the practical and legal information they need, and find additional resources more easily.
One final note: safety planning is an ongoing process of building safety. It is important to revisit safety planning as the situation changes, as children grow, and when safety risks change or increase. Ongoing safety planning, by itself, won’t keep someone “safe,” but it does help minimize risks, and close gaps in a person’s safety net. This makes staying safer more likely, and makes surviving – and thriving – more likely.