What Does It Mean to Heal After Domestic Violence?
Jenn Doe, Denver Domestic Violence Coordinating Council
As service providers working with survivors of domestic violence, we often talk about healing — but what do we really mean by that? Bruises and broken bones can be treated, but they are only one piece of the picture. Emotional scars left by domestic violence often stay with survivors long after any visible signs of abuse have faded. The impact of being called worthless, ugly, a bad parent, or unlovable, is incredibly degrading and painful. Recovering from that trauma can take years, decades, or perhaps even an entire lifetime. Healing is a process, not a singular event, and it looks different for everyone.
For some survivors, healing involves sharing their story in order to break down misconceptions about what domestic violence looks like and who it affects. This is often driven by the hope that sharing their experience might help prevent someone else from going through that kind of pain, and letting others know that they are not alone. Many survivors end up working with victims and survivors of domestic violence, or educating the public about warning signs and what to do if they or someone they know is being abused. Because domestic violence changes who a person is and how they see the world, it often sends survivors down an unexpected path as they try to make sense of their experience and gain insight into their life after abuse.
For others, though, healing may happen more privately. It may mean going back to school in order to support themselves because their abuser prevented them from furthering their education or working. Maybe it involves developing a regular yoga practice, learning to meditate, running a marathon, or travelling the world. For some, it is about finding love again to prove to themselves that someone will show them the love and respect they deserve. Whatever healing looks like, it doesn’t happen overnight. No matter how much time has passed, the trauma that survivors experience can creep back into their lives at any point. Trauma changes a person, and it never fully goes away even after years of therapy to work through it.
While survivors may not be able to go back to being the exact person they were before the abuse, they can come through the experience stronger and more resilient than they ever thought possible. When the scope of the world has been limited by an abusive partner who controls and isolates, getting away from that circumstance and perspective opens up opportunities they never knew were there. This kind of liberation allows a person to believe that they can be whoever they want to be and do whatever they want to do. It helps them see that when the world looks dark and hopeless, there is still a light at the end of the tunnel — and if they just keep moving forward, the world will expand exponentially.
I once worked with an advocate who said that our role as advocates is to help survivors remember who they are. That may be as simple as discovering that they love a certain type of music or dancing, or as profound as finding a new purpose and direction in life. Whatever it looks like for them, the path to healing is finding a way through the trauma of abuse to discover who they are now. For those of us who have the honor of working with survivors, I implore you to recognize their strength and resilience — and hold up a mirror so they can see it, too.
The DDVCC’s principal goals include domestic violence prevention, increasing domestic violence victim and community safety, and effectively containing and holding abusers accountable — these goals are achieved through leadership and coordination of the Denver Metro Domestic Violence Fatality Review (DMDVFR), ongoing involvement with Denver’s Triage Review Team, and partnership with the Rose Andom Center (RAC). More information about the DDVCC can be found here.